Over analyzing the fact I over analyze….

I over analyze everything. Every word. Every action. Every movement. Everything said. Everything not said. I wonder what was meant by the inflection of their tone. The way they moved their head. I lie awake at night and wonder what was meant by something said hours, days, weeks ago.  For the first time in forever I’m in a healthy relationship. I know he’s a good guy. He’s honest. Open. Great at communicating with me. He makes me feel safe and I’ve opened up to him more than any other guy I’ve dated, except Elijah’s dad. He is not immune to the scrutiny. Even though I trust him, those quiet moments when I’m in bed at night I wonder and second guess everything. I’m terrified of ruining this before it really gets off the ground. I do the same things with my friends and family. My coworkers and boss. People at church. No one is immune to the over analyzation of everything they do when they interact with me. I literally drive myself crazy doing this. My thoughts never stop or slow down. This is something I am currently working on in therapy. I feel good about my ‘progress’ in my 50 minute sessions. But then I leave and all the tools I’ve learned have gone out the window and I’m back at square one. I’m back to thinking everyone has an ulterior motive. There MUST be more to what they said- why are they being so nice to me? Complimenting me. Loving me. This is something that I hate about myself. Hate. If I drive myself crazy, why would anyone else want to be around me? I wish I could make it stop and I could live my life and only worry about real problems like bills and raising my son up properly. Not worrying about things that don’t exist, and don’t matter. Why the hell should I let what someone else thinks of me, destroy my happiness? But it does. Every. Single. Day. Everything that is said to me, I take personally, even when I shouldn’t. Especially when I shouldn’t. I don’t want people to feel as if they have to be careful of what they say around me, I want to be able to have a normal conversation and leave it when it’s over. I don’t want to lay in bed at night wondering why someone did or didn’t say something to me, and what their words or worse yet, their silence could mean. It’s absolutely asinine, and I know this, yet I can’t seem to control it. The part that gets me the most is the fact that based on the assumptions and perceptions in my head, I get feelings based on them. So if I THINK someone meant this, now I have hurt feelings. Over nothing.You know how you have a very vivid dream about someone, and wake up angry or upset with them because you thought it was real? That’s what this is like. Only it’s when I’m awake. And I can’t shut it off.

Time for an update

It’s been about 6 months or so since my last post…. a LOT has happened from then until now. It’s baseball season again (yay) and games start next week. This is Elijah’s third year, so I’m beginning to tolerate it a bit more. As long as he’s happy, right? :)

Things with work are moving in a new direction for me. The wheels have started turning, but not quite set in motion yet. Hopefully things will change soon. On the plus side, I did get to go to Utah for a week of training and it was simply gorgeous there! It was my first time there, and while snow storms were raging here, it was sunny and in the 50’s and 60’s there.

My battle with depression rages on. I have since been in therapy and FINALLY received an accurate diagnoses, so I can be treated for them in the proper way. I’m still working on getting my meds right, but every adjustment gives me a little more hope that I can be more “normal” and a little less “crazy”. There are days I can’t stand to be in my own presence, so I can only imagine what it’s like for the people around me. Also, therapy is amazing. She has helped me in more ways than I can imagine, and I look forward to our weekly meetings, and seeing the changes in me in the future.

I’m no longer single (yay me). I won’t say much more than that but that he is amazing and I hope he knows what he’s getting into with me. It’s still in the beginning stages, so….

Elijah has joined the Civil Air Patrol, and for those of you unaware of what that is,  it’s basically an auxiliary Air Force program for cadets ages 12-21. My not so  little, little man looks quite handsome in his BDUs :) I’d love to put a picture up, but I’ve neglected my blog for so long that I can’t even update pictures right now. I have so many updates to make, but I wanted to get a post out there in the land of the interwebz…

I will update again soon with actual pictures and more specifics!





Pigeon Forge

Last weekend my dad, sister and I went to North Carolina to visit my mom’s grave site. Since it’s such a long trip, we headed over to Tennessee for a couple days to relax, and ended up in Pigeon Forge (good call Tiff!). They had so many cool things down there to see, and we didn’t do most of them, but we drove around like the tourists we were and took a bunch of pictures :) I would LOVE to plan an actual vacation with Elijah to go down there, because there is a TON of things to do. In any case, here are a few of my favorite pics from the main drag in Pigeon Forge.

There were a TON of dinner shows down there, but the two coolest looking buildings, were the Hatfield and McCoys and Titanic.

Hatfield and McCoy Dinner Show

Hatfield and McCoy Dinner Show

Titanic Dinner Show

Titanic Dinner Show

Titanic Dinner Show

Titanic Dinner Show

The Wax Museum was pretty neat looking (from the outside anyways)


And there was a really cool ‘amusement park for the mind’ that I bet Elijah would love to explore


We headed over to Gatlinburg for a few hours and did the touristy thing too. My favorite part? Riding up the side of a mountain on a ski lift, to see the view. As much as my dad and I are afraid of heights, we took the plunge and we were so not disappointed!

The ride up the mountain...eek!

The ride up the mountain…eek!

The view from the top!

The view from the top!

The view from the top!

The view from the top!

These pictures do no justice. Tennessee is beautiful. The view was stunning. It was sweet sweet serenity.

Our last stop of the night was The Island. We didn’t stay long because we had been out all day, but a friend recommended we go (thanks Robin!!) and I’m really glad we did! They have these fountains that change colors and dance with the music, much like the Bellagio in Vegas, but on a much smaller scale, and this amazing Ferris wheel in the background. By the time we got there it was almost dark, and I’m so glad it was. The lights were way cooler :)



'Show' in full swing

‘Show’ in full swing

My daddy enjoying the fountain of lights and music

My daddy enjoying the fountain of lights and music



And this guy here… I didn’t know he was real. He stands absolutely still, even if people talk to him, get in his face, and by off chance, grab his face (which happened while we were there). He is very good at being still.


While it was a short getaway, I’m so glad we went. I am looking forward to planning another trip down with Elijah and getting to do some really fun things. The place is amazing. And man, are people nice in the south!


18 years on the road to peace

My mom passed away 18 years ago. She was born and raised in NE Ohio, and this is where all her family remains. When she died, she had been married for 6 weeks. Her husband said she wished to be buried in North Carolina in his family plot, which I have a really hard time believing. But she wasn’t here to ask, so I was just bitter about it. I never went to see her grave site, because I was never sure where it was. Eventually we got directions to where she was laid to rest, but for years never made the trip. This past weekend, that trip was FINALLY made. My dad, sister and I jumped in a car and headed south. My step-mom (who I am only calling step-mom for clarification purposes here as she is an amazing woman and has been a wonderful mother to me over the years- I love her with all of my heart) kept Elijah and Gavin for us, and I’m glad she did. This trip was a great bonding experience for the three of us, and made me feel so much closer to them.

So my mom is buried literally in the middle of nowhere. We drove through mountains, and woods, and nothingness, and bam! – there was the church and the cemetery. It’s a very small town, and I use that word loosely, but the scenery was amazing. As unhappy as I am that she is buried so far away, the headstone is beautiful, so I will give her husband that.


I’m glad my sister and I finally got to see where she was laid to rest. It was a final piece of closure, and a whole lot of peace. And I’m really glad my dad was there to share that moment with us. While he has been married to his current wife longer than he was married to my mom, he at one point in time did love my mom. And she was the mother of his children – I’m sure that it meant something to him as well.

iPhones and Food Stamps

iphonefoodstampsSo I came across this little meme someone had posted on Facebook yesterday, and usually I let these things slide. For some reason, I decided to comment. My comment? “I have an iPhone (a USED one at that) that I have been paying on for months. What difference does the type of phone I use to check on my son at the end of my WORK day matter? And yes, I use food stamps.”  My phone is years old bought off a friend, who is allowing me to make payments, because that is what I can afford. Two specific people were berating me for using a ‘brand new’ phone when I should be saving my money to get off of food stamps. I was accused of being a taker of money (from them specifically I suppose as they were so upset, so thanks for buying my groceries I guess), even though I WORK AND PAY TAXES. I have never once not worked and sat on the couch all day to collect money from the state… I do what ever it is I have to do to support my son. We rarely have anything new, and the majority of Elijah’s clothes are second-hand unless they are gifts, not that I need to explain myself to these close-minded ignorant people. We don’t have cable, haven’t had it in years, and we don’t have a house phone. We don’t go buy things we can’t afford, and I don’t go get my nails done, or my hair done, or go out to on the weekends with my friends. Andnever-judge I can guarantee to this ‘man’ that not having a phone is NOT going to get me off food stamps. People who don’t know anything about others personal lives have no reason to judge, or attack, or assume they know how to ‘solve’ their problems because they don’t know WHY I am in this situation I am in. Neither of these two people know my situation but both insisted I was making terrible financial decisions… by buying a used phone. Clearly I see the error in my way. I think they were so high up on their self righteous horses they couldn’t see that I wasn’t holding a pretty new sparkly phone…. I was holding a cheap option that was available to me because I needed a phone. And that’s the option I had. And honestly, the actual phone isn’t the point here. The point is these people have no idea who I am or what I’m about but what TWO facts they know about me, the ONLY two facts, they used to spew some pretty hurtful stuff at me. And when my cousin, and my sister, the ONLY TWO people who cared enough to speak up in defense thank you very much, the diarrhea of the mouth just kept flowing from this self-righteous PRINCESS. She said she wanted to get her point across and she has her opinion and blah blah blah, and in that she is right… everyone has an opinion, that’s what makes us human and different and unique. But when you have to be hateful and spiteful and rude just to people to ‘get your point across’, that just makes you look like a jerk. And nobody likes a jerk. Well, some people do apparently.

s6u7_700.1So here’s my advice for the day. Don’t judge people. We all do it, we can’t deny it, but we shouldn’t. But certainly, don’t call people out on social media that you don’t know, that you don’t know their story, that you know nothing about, because you will look like an idiot. Each person has their own story, and no matter how much we know about someone, there is that much more we DON’T know about them. There is so much stuff that I don’t tell the people closest to me, not because I don’t trust them, but because I don’t like to talk about a lot of personal things. I’m a very private person when it comes to my past and myself and get easily offended when people try to judge based on having zero information. So think twice about what might be really going on with someone before you pass judgement on them. Because even if you think you know them, you probably don’t.