I over analyze everything. Every word. Every action. Every movement. Everything said. Everything not said. I wonder what was meant by the inflection of their tone. The way they moved their head. I lie awake at night and wonder what was meant by something said hours, days, weeks ago. For the first time in forever I’m in a healthy relationship. I know he’s a good guy. He’s honest. Open. Great at communicating with me. He makes me feel safe and I’ve opened up to him more than any other guy I’ve dated, except Elijah’s dad. He is not immune to the scrutiny. Even though I trust him, those quiet moments when I’m in bed at night I wonder and second guess everything. I’m terrified of ruining this before it really gets off the ground. I do the same things with my friends and family. My coworkers and boss. People at church. No one is immune to the over analyzation of everything they do when they interact with me. I literally drive myself crazy doing this. My thoughts never stop or slow down. This is something I am currently working on in therapy. I feel good about my ‘progress’ in my 50 minute sessions. But then I leave and all the tools I’ve learned have gone out the window and I’m back at square one. I’m back to thinking everyone has an ulterior motive. There MUST be more to what they said- why are they being so nice to me? Complimenting me. Loving me. This is something that I hate about myself. Hate. If I drive myself crazy, why would anyone else want to be around me? I wish I could make it stop and I could live my life and only worry about real problems like bills and raising my son up properly. Not worrying about things that don’t exist, and don’t matter. Why the hell should I let what someone else thinks of me, destroy my happiness? But it does. Every. Single. Day. Everything that is said to me, I take personally, even when I shouldn’t. Especially when I shouldn’t. I don’t want people to feel as if they have to be careful of what they say around me, I want to be able to have a normal conversation and leave it when it’s over. I don’t want to lay in bed at night wondering why someone did or didn’t say something to me, and what their words or worse yet, their silence could mean. It’s absolutely asinine, and I know this, yet I can’t seem to control it. The part that gets me the most is the fact that based on the assumptions and perceptions in my head, I get feelings based on them. So if I THINK someone meant this, now I have hurt feelings. Over nothing.You know how you have a very vivid dream about someone, and wake up angry or upset with them because you thought it was real? That’s what this is like. Only it’s when I’m awake. And I can’t shut it off.