Oh how the heart breaks…

Actor-Comedian Robin Williams Dies At 63What a sad story indeed. Robin Williams, the man who could make anyone laugh, suffered so deeply from his depression and addictions that he only saw one way out. Oftentimes people don’t understand depression. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of dealing with it in person, either with yourself or through a loved one, it doesn’t make sense. “Just stop being sad”, “Cheer up” or “Snap out of it” are some common statements. When depression overtakes you, there is no snapping out of it, or cheering up. If somebody is laughing and having a good time, they must not be depressed, they have gotten past it. On the contrary, people who seem the happiest, can be the most tore up on the inside. Some are professional deflectors of who they are.

There is so much about this disease that people don’t understand, don’t want to know. It’s crazy and complex, and comes in waves. It’s dark and scary and can creep up on you when you least expect it. It’s without rhyme or reason, and it doesn’t discriminate. Just when you think you’re making some progress in your fight, it sucks you back down, deeper than before. Unless you’ve been there before, no one can understand the way your mind works when you’re depressed. The thoughts that rage within. I can absolutely understand why suicide feels like the only viable option, I’ve thought the same fleeting thoughts time and again. When you’re in your own personal hell, it’s the one thing that makes sense, that can stop the pain. However, thoughts of Elijah with no mother or father have always cleared through the murky thoughts, broken the spell, made me think clearly. His pain vs. my pain always won out. Some people aren’t that lucky.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255

Depression is a bitch, no two ways about it. I wish we all could understand why it affects some people in a family and not others. It’s like a tornado, bouncing around wreaking havoc in this persons life, but not the next.  Why do some people sink so low they can’t get out, no matter what their life seems like it should be? Why isn’t it easier to recognize in people? Why isn’t there a cure yet? So many unanswered questions that will never be answered. I wish as a society this was talked about more. Maybe people would understand it a little more, or those who suffer from it wouldn’t feel so embarrassed about it, try so hard to hide it from those they love so much. There are so many misconceptions about it, people don’t want to share for fear of what others will think. At least in my case that’s how it was. How it is. Surely I’m not the only one who feels this way.


If you know somebody who suffers from depression, or who you think MAY suffer from depression, don’t make assumptions, or make callous remarks about ‘snapping out if it’. Talk to them, really talk to them, and be honest. Tell them you don’t understand how they feel, but want to help, and need to know how best to do that. Don’t offer advice to something you don’t get.

What’s the hardest part of growing up?

Here is another installment of the 30 Things my kid should know about me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve done one, so I’m kind of excited about doing this one.

What’s the hardest part of growing up? The hardest part of growing up, in my opinion, is learning responsibility. When you live at home, you have little to worry about. When you move out on your own, a whole new set of responsibility comes your way. You have to get a job to support yourself, responsibilityand be responsible enough to keep it. You have to learn to budget and ration out your paycheck in order to pay your bills, and know that sometimes there’s more going out than coming in. You have to learn how to manage house-keeping, work, friends, and time for yourself. Add kids or a spouse into the mix, you have a whole new set of responsibilities to adhere to. When I lived at home, I used to not be able to wait until I could move out and be on my own, ignorant to the amount of responsibilities that came with it, the changes I would have to make. There was definitely a learning curve there, and I made a lot of mistakes. I still do. Just when I think I’ve got it, something new comes along that throws us a curve ball, and I get off track.  Growing up isn’t as fun as I thought it would be, and as unrealistic as it sounds, I sometimes wish I could go back to the days of security of living at home. 10401365_10203576485966479_8845612347756017103_n

Being a grown up is tough sometimes, no one ever said it was easy (at least no one I know). I’ve made it past my years of maturing, and growing, and learning and now I have my sweet, sweet boy and amazing family to share my life with.

Cry me a river

Sometimes life sucks. No ifs, ands or buts about it. You can be going along and minding your own business and Wham!, a curve-ball out of nowhere leaves you reeling.  I think it’s normal for most people to take a minute to stand back up, shake themselves off and just keep going. There arephoto 4 (1) some people who never acknowledge the bad, and only see the positive in EVERYthing. And then there are the people who seem to never get past the experience and wallow in self pity until the next bad thing happens to them. The people who you know will never be happy with anything they have because all they can see is what they don’t have. The ones who complain about every. single. thing. in their life. It’s always a competition for who has it worse… and no matter the situation they will always win.

I think it’s human nature for people to complain. Bad things sometimes happen and you want to talk about it. I get it, I really do. But there is a fine line between talking about it and beating it into the ground. Oftentimes my pastor will sing “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, Nobody knows my sorrow” during his Sunday sermons and every time he does I think of a few people who that must be their life’s theme song. I can’t imagine being so unhappy in life that everything around me is a negative. What an awful existence to miss the silver linings and “well on the plus side…..”. It’s too photo 1 (1)easy for people to miss the basics of life. And realize that there is ALWAYS someone out there who has it worse than them.

I’d love it if some things were different in my life, but I have a job, a house, food on the table and amazing family and friends. The daily hum drum of life will always be there and life doesn’t always go as planned. But as my dad always says, ” Go to Lowe’s, get a ladder, and get over it!”. You are the only person who can determine your happiness- make the most of it. **End rant**



Pikachu, I choose you!

This past Friday was dress-up as your favorite character day at Elijah’s summer day camp. He told me on Thursday morning that he needed a costume for the next day. And not just any costume, it had to be Pikachu from Pokemon, because his friend was dressing up as Ash Ketchum. For those of you not Pokemon literate (for which I am jealous) these was the look they were going after, with Elijah being the little yellow guy:


While I thought it was a cute idea, I was a bit miffed at been given 24 hours to magically pull this costume out of thin air. It’s not exactly like it’s costume season at all the stores, ya know? Thankfully the kid looks good in yellow and has a ton of yellow clothes. He decided he’d wear all yellow and we could make the ears, tail, markings etc… After spending a few dollars on face paint and a pair of yellow socks to make ears, this was the final result:

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We ended up nixing the tail because we ran out of time to work on it, but we did manage to get the rest of the costume in order, including the markings on the back. This was so easy, and he was beyond thrilled with the outcome. It was a huge hit at the Y, and I’m glad I didn’t let the time crunch turn me off from doing it. In his eyes he needed a costume now, and mom provided. It doesn’t matter that it didn’t live up my 35-year-old image of what it should look like, what matters is Elijah loved it and had a blast pretending to be Pikachu for a day.





Baseball Season again

Baseball came around really quickly this year. Which is surprising since this winter lasted about 19 months, and registration was about halfway through. As you may recall from last year,

The beloved bat (by both of us, I'm almost ashamed to admit)

baseball is not my favorite sport to watch. It’s slightly boring, the games last forever, and I always get distracted about halfway through and have to keep asking the people around me what the score is. I’m hopeful this year will be different though- Elijah has a different coach, one that rotates the positions, there are less players which means more playing time for EVERYone, not just the ‘All-Stars’ of the team. I mean the whole point of pay-to-play sports is to teach sportsmanship, how to be part of a team, how to lose gracefully, and how to have fun playing sports. Elijah’s not the best player, but he’s smiling the whole time he’s out there because he loves being part of a team and playing the sport. Even when he gets out he’s smiling all the way back to the dugout. I think the real reason of sports sometimes gets lost behind the desire to win so badly, and there are some people who act like it’s the pros. And it’s not.

But with baseball season comes warmer days, and the smell of spring in the air, which I’ll take any day, especially after this long and brutal winter we had. School will be ending soon and the hot days of summer will be close behind. I’m trying to not let last years experience taint this years before it even starts. That’s not fair to the coach, Elijah or myself. So I am going to go into this year with a clean slate, eyes wide open, ready for anything. I will plan on enjoying this season more than last, because I know that this is something Elijah enjoys doing. I don’t want him to remember me as the mom who griped about all things baseball, but the one who was there to support him in all his endeavors.